Night time thoughts in the daytime world

It seems like at night I have these big ambitious plans. I think I can make the world better. I think I can survive a while. I think someone can really love me for the real true me inside me. Then the light of day comes and I get caught up in all the petty bullshit that we all get caught in and I forget my dreams and ambitions. I forget what I need to do to make the world better. I forget how I can contribute. I remember some damn guy or other and how he slighted me or is he thinking about me or does he love me. I gotta stop this shit. It is so important that I bring the bigger me into play in the daylight. The dreamer me is so much more me than the person I present to the world. Michele said I was sending in my representative for these dates with the yummy yum yum man lately. But the truth is he gets the real me. The one no one else is privy to. I don't know what made me introduce the truth to him in the beginning but it's so dn liberating to be real with someone. I am scared as shit about it too but what a relief to not have to pretend constantly. So I've gotta remember this shit. Write it down. And share it with some people. Even if it's only yyy at first. Eventually I have to bring my thoughts out to play with others or I'm afraid I'll lose them. And I can't become some figment of Ginger or mom or dad. I am worth knowing. I say true things. People should know me.

Working girls

So on Saturday night I was at a social function for work when a co-worker came up to me and said she had heard that I was changing schools. I told her no I wasn't and I didn't know where she would have heard that. Then five minutes later my boss approached me and said that she wanted me to "consider" switching schools. I told her I really didn't want to but I would think about it. I walked away pissed because I knew that she was the one that had told my co-worker I was switching schools. What the fuck? Why is there no professionalism these days? You can't go around telling someone that another person is being transferred before you tell the person you're transferring. That's so no right. Anyway then yesterday I got an email from the principal at the new school asking when can I meet with him. I haven't even talked to my boss. Not one single word since Saturday. I guess when she said I should consider changing schools she meant it was a done deal and she was giving me a head's up. I wish she would just grow some fucking balls and say what she actually means. Better yet, I wish she would have actually considered my opinions and thoughts before making the decision. I really don't want to change schools simply because I already know my students where I'm at. However if she had approached it differently I wouldn't be ready to dig in my heels and fucking punch her which is how I feel right now. I am so sick of bosses that have no management skills or potential whatsoever. I just need people to be direct and honest. Why is that so damn difficult? I hate the damn gray areas that are created by people making exceptions all the damn time. And I hate that the boss wants to make the decision but doesn't have the self-confidence to stand behind what they say. I hates boss specifically because she is lazy and stupid and a greedy. All great management skills these days it seems. I am so fed up with this stupidity. Just let me do my damn job. And let me do it how it needs to be done not by some stupid arbitrary rule that you came up with so that you're life is easier. God forbid we actually focus on the kids who this whole program is supposed to be about. Grr!!

The truth and all that jazz

So I've been told twice this week that I should show people the real me. The real me? Are you kidding? People can't handle that shit. I can barely handle it myself. But for the sake of personal rambling, a desire to heal, blah, blah, I'm gonna try it out. So try this on.

1. I am fat. I hate that I'm fat. I don't want to be fat. I want to be skinny and hot with a nice rack and a round firm ass. I want men to swoon when I walk by. I want to have toned arms and be drop-dead gorgeous. I try to pretend like I don't wish this, but it's bullshit. I totally do.
2. I'm a bitch. For real, like a horrible person. I am mean, and spiteful and think horrible things. If you could read my mind, you would hate me. That's why I don't tell anyone what I'm really thinking.
3. I am the queen of sarcasm, but I am wicked sensitive and people hurt my feelings about a million times a day. I pretend like I don't have feelings. Lie.
4. I hate my job. I actually have hated every job I've ever had. I want to really have a job I love. A job that doesn't feel like a job. A job that feels like a calling. Sometimes I get glimpses in my mind that this could exist potentially. Then I lose it somehow and go back to myself.
5. I tried to kill myself a year ago. I was so stuck inside my own head with my misery and I didn't know how to get out. Sometimes I still don't. I hate myself with a passion. Like a really big passion. I know I'm a bad person. I know I'm too fat to deserve to be loved. I know I'm not that smart. I know I'm mean. I know I don't deserve anything good. I just don't think I can go around advertising that without sounding like I want someone to rescue me.
6. I used to think I was pretty. Sometimes I can still see how I could potentially be pretty, but most of the time I can't.
7. I want someone to love me more than I want anything else. I would give damn near anything to have that, and I mean anything. I wish it wasn't important to me. But I don't know how to change it.
8. I think I'm funny, but I'm terrified that other people won't. I know I shouldn't care what people think of me, but I do.
9. I need a way out of my life as it is now. I want a better job. I want a life. I have neither. I don't know how to begin to get them.
10. I'm kind of a slut. No, we're being honest. I'm a total slut. I wish I wasn't when I think about it logically,  but in the moment I always give in. I really love sex. I love how it feels. I hate how I feel afterward though.
11. I am severely fucked up. No wonder I don't tell the whole story. I'm depressing myself writing this. Ugh.

I'll try again later. For now I'm going to go hide from reality with television.

Divorce

So I'm getting divorced. Not very happily either. My husband, who is a gigantic asshole, by the way, sprung this on me on October 25, that he is over it and wants a divorce. We went through this before, two years ago, when he told me he wanted a divorce, and we were seperated for 2 months and ended up getting back together. This time, that's not going to happen. No way, no how. I really, truly don't want to be divorced. I don't want to be alone. This is stupidly hard and I miss him everyday, every single day, so far. I know that will lessen with time, but damn it hurts in the meantime. He does so many things that hurt me or piss me off now. He wasn't like this until he told me he wanted a divorce and now he is just an ass so much of the time, I can't stand it. I just hate it. I hate how crappy my life is right now. I hate that I am going to be a fucking statistic. I hate that I just bought a new poster of a dog that is so cute for my office and the title is Toby, my stupid husband's name, which I did because I thought it was sweet, and now it makes me sad everytime I look at it. I hate that I miss him so much. I hate being alone. I realize I'm repeating myself but I feel like if maybe I get it out there and off my chest it will make it easier. Or go away entirely. I moved from our house to a house close to my family. It's like 40 minutes to work now, but I don't mind the drive so much. I like being close to my family because at least someone will be there with me in case I need them. Also I enjoy spending time with them. But damn I miss cuddling. I miss having someone to talk to in the evenings. I'm such a homebody. I just get home from work and watch tv, play with dogs, read a book, do a craft, whatever, but about 90% of the time I spend the evenings at home. And on weekends I really just do stuff with my family. How will I ever find another man? How will I find one that won't mind my fatness? Even my stupid husband wasn't a fan of the fatness, though he had the same issue. I just can't imagine spending the rest of my life alone. I can't imagine not having someone to hug or hold hands with or curl up next to, someone to rub my back or tell me everything is going to be okay or whatever. How am I supposed to get through this? How come I can't quit crying every day? I know Toby isn't crying everyday. When I talk to him, which isn't often, he talks about how fucking happy he is. How he loves going to the garage and drinking with Trav every night, not having to be responsible to a wife or even the dogs. Though he does at least say he misses the dogs. He never says he misses me. Of course, I don't say I miss him either, at least not to him, but dammit I do, and I hate myself for it. I hate that I can't just turn my fucking feelings off. I hate that he can still get to me so fucking easily. I hate that he doesn't care about me enough to even be nice. Also, he said he wants a divorce because our house was too messy. How fucking retarded is that? How can a marriage mean so little to him that he's willing to end it over a fucking messy house? Give me a god damn break! That's so selfish. So stupid. So, just, pathetic. How can I miss this selfish bastard? How can I still love him? Why am I so weak? Why do I feel like such a huge, gigantic failure? We had to file bankruptcy because of his stupid constant illnesses. We had huge credit card and medical bills in both of our names because of him. Already, in the 3 weeks I've been living without him, I have more money alone than I ever did the whole time we were married. I hate that he waited until he finally got a steady job with insurance and full time hours before he did this. It makes me think that he has been using me all along for insurance, and that is just so damn pathetic I can't stand it. I can't stand to think I'm so foolish to fall for that. He's not a smart person. I mean seriously, he's a fucking moron. He cannot grasp sarcasm. He once spent over $1000 on football cards on a credit card. He has attempted to cheat on me at least twice, though to my knowledge never followed through with it. He has lied to me, taken money from me to the point that I had to do without. He told me he loved me every day, every single day, up to and including the day that he announced this divorce business. How can he make such a fool of me? How can he let a relationship get so bad in his eyes that he never brings it up, never gives me a clue, until suddenly he wants a divorce. I just think he was looking out for himself, planning it in advance, pretending everything was fine, until he was financially ready to leave. Even then, he ended up living with his grandmother. Again. He's never lived alone, not in his whole life. He tells me now that he doesn't ever want kids because they are a pain in the ass to raise. I just can't believe how incredibly selfish he is. Doesn't he know all of the stupid bullshit I did with him because he wanted it? Doesn't he know I could give a shit about racing, Nascar or dirt track, and yet I was forever spending my summers at race tracks for him. And he couldn't give me this one thing that means more to me than almost anything else in the world, to be a mother? What a douchebag.