Divorce

So I'm getting divorced. Not very happily either. My husband, who is a gigantic asshole, by the way, sprung this on me on October 25, that he is over it and wants a divorce. We went through this before, two years ago, when he told me he wanted a divorce, and we were seperated for 2 months and ended up getting back together. This time, that's not going to happen. No way, no how. I really, truly don't want to be divorced. I don't want to be alone. This is stupidly hard and I miss him everyday, every single day, so far. I know that will lessen with time, but damn it hurts in the meantime. He does so many things that hurt me or piss me off now. He wasn't like this until he told me he wanted a divorce and now he is just an ass so much of the time, I can't stand it. I just hate it. I hate how crappy my life is right now. I hate that I am going to be a fucking statistic. I hate that I just bought a new poster of a dog that is so cute for my office and the title is Toby, my stupid husband's name, which I did because I thought it was sweet, and now it makes me sad everytime I look at it. I hate that I miss him so much. I hate being alone. I realize I'm repeating myself but I feel like if maybe I get it out there and off my chest it will make it easier. Or go away entirely. I moved from our house to a house close to my family. It's like 40 minutes to work now, but I don't mind the drive so much. I like being close to my family because at least someone will be there with me in case I need them. Also I enjoy spending time with them. But damn I miss cuddling. I miss having someone to talk to in the evenings. I'm such a homebody. I just get home from work and watch tv, play with dogs, read a book, do a craft, whatever, but about 90% of the time I spend the evenings at home. And on weekends I really just do stuff with my family. How will I ever find another man? How will I find one that won't mind my fatness? Even my stupid husband wasn't a fan of the fatness, though he had the same issue. I just can't imagine spending the rest of my life alone. I can't imagine not having someone to hug or hold hands with or curl up next to, someone to rub my back or tell me everything is going to be okay or whatever. How am I supposed to get through this? How come I can't quit crying every day? I know Toby isn't crying everyday. When I talk to him, which isn't often, he talks about how fucking happy he is. How he loves going to the garage and drinking with Trav every night, not having to be responsible to a wife or even the dogs. Though he does at least say he misses the dogs. He never says he misses me. Of course, I don't say I miss him either, at least not to him, but dammit I do, and I hate myself for it. I hate that I can't just turn my fucking feelings off. I hate that he can still get to me so fucking easily. I hate that he doesn't care about me enough to even be nice. Also, he said he wants a divorce because our house was too messy. How fucking retarded is that? How can a marriage mean so little to him that he's willing to end it over a fucking messy house? Give me a god damn break! That's so selfish. So stupid. So, just, pathetic. How can I miss this selfish bastard? How can I still love him? Why am I so weak? Why do I feel like such a huge, gigantic failure? We had to file bankruptcy because of his stupid constant illnesses. We had huge credit card and medical bills in both of our names because of him. Already, in the 3 weeks I've been living without him, I have more money alone than I ever did the whole time we were married. I hate that he waited until he finally got a steady job with insurance and full time hours before he did this. It makes me think that he has been using me all along for insurance, and that is just so damn pathetic I can't stand it. I can't stand to think I'm so foolish to fall for that. He's not a smart person. I mean seriously, he's a fucking moron. He cannot grasp sarcasm. He once spent over $1000 on football cards on a credit card. He has attempted to cheat on me at least twice, though to my knowledge never followed through with it. He has lied to me, taken money from me to the point that I had to do without. He told me he loved me every day, every single day, up to and including the day that he announced this divorce business. How can he make such a fool of me? How can he let a relationship get so bad in his eyes that he never brings it up, never gives me a clue, until suddenly he wants a divorce. I just think he was looking out for himself, planning it in advance, pretending everything was fine, until he was financially ready to leave. Even then, he ended up living with his grandmother. Again. He's never lived alone, not in his whole life. He tells me now that he doesn't ever want kids because they are a pain in the ass to raise. I just can't believe how incredibly selfish he is. Doesn't he know all of the stupid bullshit I did with him because he wanted it? Doesn't he know I could give a shit about racing, Nascar or dirt track, and yet I was forever spending my summers at race tracks for him. And he couldn't give me this one thing that means more to me than almost anything else in the world, to be a mother? What a douchebag.