Night time thoughts in the daytime world

It seems like at night I have these big ambitious plans. I think I can make the world better. I think I can survive a while. I think someone can really love me for the real true me inside me. Then the light of day comes and I get caught up in all the petty bullshit that we all get caught in and I forget my dreams and ambitions. I forget what I need to do to make the world better. I forget how I can contribute. I remember some damn guy or other and how he slighted me or is he thinking about me or does he love me. I gotta stop this shit. It is so important that I bring the bigger me into play in the daylight. The dreamer me is so much more me than the person I present to the world. Michele said I was sending in my representative for these dates with the yummy yum yum man lately. But the truth is he gets the real me. The one no one else is privy to. I don't know what made me introduce the truth to him in the beginning but it's so dn liberating to be real with someone. I am scared as shit about it too but what a relief to not have to pretend constantly. So I've gotta remember this shit. Write it down. And share it with some people. Even if it's only yyy at first. Eventually I have to bring my thoughts out to play with others or I'm afraid I'll lose them. And I can't become some figment of Ginger or mom or dad. I am worth knowing. I say true things. People should know me.

Working girls

So on Saturday night I was at a social function for work when a co-worker came up to me and said she had heard that I was changing schools. I told her no I wasn't and I didn't know where she would have heard that. Then five minutes later my boss approached me and said that she wanted me to "consider" switching schools. I told her I really didn't want to but I would think about it. I walked away pissed because I knew that she was the one that had told my co-worker I was switching schools. What the fuck? Why is there no professionalism these days? You can't go around telling someone that another person is being transferred before you tell the person you're transferring. That's so no right. Anyway then yesterday I got an email from the principal at the new school asking when can I meet with him. I haven't even talked to my boss. Not one single word since Saturday. I guess when she said I should consider changing schools she meant it was a done deal and she was giving me a head's up. I wish she would just grow some fucking balls and say what she actually means. Better yet, I wish she would have actually considered my opinions and thoughts before making the decision. I really don't want to change schools simply because I already know my students where I'm at. However if she had approached it differently I wouldn't be ready to dig in my heels and fucking punch her which is how I feel right now. I am so sick of bosses that have no management skills or potential whatsoever. I just need people to be direct and honest. Why is that so damn difficult? I hate the damn gray areas that are created by people making exceptions all the damn time. And I hate that the boss wants to make the decision but doesn't have the self-confidence to stand behind what they say. I hates boss specifically because she is lazy and stupid and a greedy. All great management skills these days it seems. I am so fed up with this stupidity. Just let me do my damn job. And let me do it how it needs to be done not by some stupid arbitrary rule that you came up with so that you're life is easier. God forbid we actually focus on the kids who this whole program is supposed to be about. Grr!!

The truth and all that jazz

So I've been told twice this week that I should show people the real me. The real me? Are you kidding? People can't handle that shit. I can barely handle it myself. But for the sake of personal rambling, a desire to heal, blah, blah, I'm gonna try it out. So try this on.

1. I am fat. I hate that I'm fat. I don't want to be fat. I want to be skinny and hot with a nice rack and a round firm ass. I want men to swoon when I walk by. I want to have toned arms and be drop-dead gorgeous. I try to pretend like I don't wish this, but it's bullshit. I totally do.
2. I'm a bitch. For real, like a horrible person. I am mean, and spiteful and think horrible things. If you could read my mind, you would hate me. That's why I don't tell anyone what I'm really thinking.
3. I am the queen of sarcasm, but I am wicked sensitive and people hurt my feelings about a million times a day. I pretend like I don't have feelings. Lie.
4. I hate my job. I actually have hated every job I've ever had. I want to really have a job I love. A job that doesn't feel like a job. A job that feels like a calling. Sometimes I get glimpses in my mind that this could exist potentially. Then I lose it somehow and go back to myself.
5. I tried to kill myself a year ago. I was so stuck inside my own head with my misery and I didn't know how to get out. Sometimes I still don't. I hate myself with a passion. Like a really big passion. I know I'm a bad person. I know I'm too fat to deserve to be loved. I know I'm not that smart. I know I'm mean. I know I don't deserve anything good. I just don't think I can go around advertising that without sounding like I want someone to rescue me.
6. I used to think I was pretty. Sometimes I can still see how I could potentially be pretty, but most of the time I can't.
7. I want someone to love me more than I want anything else. I would give damn near anything to have that, and I mean anything. I wish it wasn't important to me. But I don't know how to change it.
8. I think I'm funny, but I'm terrified that other people won't. I know I shouldn't care what people think of me, but I do.
9. I need a way out of my life as it is now. I want a better job. I want a life. I have neither. I don't know how to begin to get them.
10. I'm kind of a slut. No, we're being honest. I'm a total slut. I wish I wasn't when I think about it logically,  but in the moment I always give in. I really love sex. I love how it feels. I hate how I feel afterward though.
11. I am severely fucked up. No wonder I don't tell the whole story. I'm depressing myself writing this. Ugh.

I'll try again later. For now I'm going to go hide from reality with television.