The truth and all that jazz

So I've been told twice this week that I should show people the real me. The real me? Are you kidding? People can't handle that shit. I can barely handle it myself. But for the sake of personal rambling, a desire to heal, blah, blah, I'm gonna try it out. So try this on.

1. I am fat. I hate that I'm fat. I don't want to be fat. I want to be skinny and hot with a nice rack and a round firm ass. I want men to swoon when I walk by. I want to have toned arms and be drop-dead gorgeous. I try to pretend like I don't wish this, but it's bullshit. I totally do.
2. I'm a bitch. For real, like a horrible person. I am mean, and spiteful and think horrible things. If you could read my mind, you would hate me. That's why I don't tell anyone what I'm really thinking.
3. I am the queen of sarcasm, but I am wicked sensitive and people hurt my feelings about a million times a day. I pretend like I don't have feelings. Lie.
4. I hate my job. I actually have hated every job I've ever had. I want to really have a job I love. A job that doesn't feel like a job. A job that feels like a calling. Sometimes I get glimpses in my mind that this could exist potentially. Then I lose it somehow and go back to myself.
5. I tried to kill myself a year ago. I was so stuck inside my own head with my misery and I didn't know how to get out. Sometimes I still don't. I hate myself with a passion. Like a really big passion. I know I'm a bad person. I know I'm too fat to deserve to be loved. I know I'm not that smart. I know I'm mean. I know I don't deserve anything good. I just don't think I can go around advertising that without sounding like I want someone to rescue me.
6. I used to think I was pretty. Sometimes I can still see how I could potentially be pretty, but most of the time I can't.
7. I want someone to love me more than I want anything else. I would give damn near anything to have that, and I mean anything. I wish it wasn't important to me. But I don't know how to change it.
8. I think I'm funny, but I'm terrified that other people won't. I know I shouldn't care what people think of me, but I do.
9. I need a way out of my life as it is now. I want a better job. I want a life. I have neither. I don't know how to begin to get them.
10. I'm kind of a slut. No, we're being honest. I'm a total slut. I wish I wasn't when I think about it logically,  but in the moment I always give in. I really love sex. I love how it feels. I hate how I feel afterward though.
11. I am severely fucked up. No wonder I don't tell the whole story. I'm depressing myself writing this. Ugh.

I'll try again later. For now I'm going to go hide from reality with television.